I was chatting with Christina yest.. Somehow our conversation brings us to my problem.. I explained to her what happened.. When she know that Jiamin and Jiajue is going to be 5 yrs anniversary.. She told me.. It's better to steer clear cuz having such a relationship as long as 5 yrs is never easy.. I agree too.. That's why sometimes what others said might be correct.. Never listen to one side of the story.. Who knows the fact might be distorted in some ways.. U know somehow I feel that Jiajue din reali neglect Jiamin.. It's probably Jiamin looks too much onto small trivial stuffs Jiajue did..

I had a small gathering with Mr Praba and Shaofeng.. Sir asked me abt whether I'm attached.. I told him no.. He said is it my demand too high.. Haha.. Not reali.. Cuz it takes two hands to clap mah.. Cuz normally it's more of one sided.. As we tok.. I somehow mentioned abt Jiamin and me.. I feel so down as I relate to him what happened.. Sir den ask me this qns.. Did I like her? I replied I do.. But I'm not sure whether I'm truly like her.. Or is it juz a form of crush for her.. Sir den said did she called me often.. Hmmx.. When he asked this qns.. Somehow I'm awake.. Did Jiamin called me often? I think I reali know what he means le.. If Jiamin called me often means she cares and probably likes me.. If she dun.. It means that it's all my wishful thinking.. Now I feel it's my wishful thinking loh..

Sir told me.. Dun becuz of one failure den I keep my nets close.. He said that there are other people waiting for me.. Who knows.. She might be juz a doorstep away from me.. Sir said for my current situation.. Juz be wise with my choice.. Dun let go too soon.. Dun hang on too long.. Cuz I can't be waiting for her for my whole life until she get married.. People will be having happy life.. Den what will become of me? Haix.. Ya loh.. I understand everything now le.. I'm reali glad that I have met Sir.. He reali enlightened me alot.. Thankz so much Sir..

I know I can't touch ur heart now..
So it doesn't matter which kind of luv if I can stay with ya..
Cuz I knw the separated ones go beyond time & space & get together..
Becuz of ya, I will keep waiting becuz of ya..
This is the tot that fills my heart now..
I will always like & luv ya..

*I feel so xing fu with her*

*MerQu|s3*^^ aka *yeKai*^^

Two days ago.. It was the first time after Jiamin's trip that I saw her.. We had supper together with Alys at Changi V.. Sometimes I think Jiamin is rite.. The more ppl the more fun.. I was thinking whether if Alys not around.. Will Jiamin and me still able to communicate with one another? So much things happened btwn us and it's making both of us feeling weird and embarrassed when we saw each other..

And yest I was reali glad.. Cuz I think Jiamin kinda improved abit.. I mean improvement denotes that things might be getting better.. She did becum the old Jiamin I know before.. She smilez.. She tok.. And the most impt thing is she showed her cute expression.. That expression of like being bullied.. Those kiddy expression I mean.. When I saw that.. I smilez.. I'm reali happy deep within my heart.. Juz that I din said it out.. And to be frank.. I think it was Jiamin's kiddy disappointment expression that made me wanna dote on her more than anyone else.. Heee.. It's reali cute mah..

Sometimes I think when Jiamin said "Need to be so fierce is it?" I was like thinking.. Am I reali veri fierce to her.. I'm reali not sure abt that.. I think she's reali veri particular of how I treat her.. Sorri Jiamin.. I promised that I wun be fierce to u anymore.. I know no matter how much apology is being done.. The damages alreadi been done.. The crack in her heart is there.. Haix.. I juz hope I still can make it up to her now.. Hopefully it's not too late..

I saw Jiamin's nick.. Learn to lurve urself cuz no one else will.. It somehow hit me.. It juz somehow came to my mind that I reali reali hurt Jiamin.. Jiajue disappoints her.. And now me too.. I reali need to slap myself hard to wake myself up again.. Somehow I feel that my lurve and care for her is always going to be restricted no matter how hard I tried.. Cuz by name I'm juz a frenz.. I can't step further than that.. It will cross the line.. Jiajue will probably hates me to core.. Haix.. I juz wan to take care of Jiamin when Jiajue is busy.. That's all I ask for now.. At least can keep her company juz for that moment.. At least she wun feel she's alone again.. At least she know that there are still ppl that do care for her..

U know.. Whenever Jiajue called.. I feel veri jealous and down.. I duno why also.. Haix.. I hate myself becuming like that loh.. They are the legal couples in front of everyone loh.. I should juz stop my jealousy loh.. I have no rite to get jealous at all.. Men do get jealous too.. Not only women.. Juz that they dun say out.. I wan to say.. But no one to say to.. Cuz I will probably get scold by ppl again.. Alys will shout at me as usual.. Jiajue called Jiamin yest abt Alys' wedding stuff.. The first instinct that came to my mind is that the call is from Jiajue.. And I'm rite.. My mood gets heavy somehow.. I dun wan to ask Jiamin who is it cuz the way she answered the call I can roughly guess who is it alreadi.. Besides if I asked.. Alys is going to scold me again.. I know she will.. She will juz say it's none of ur business..

Everytime when I send Jiamin home.. She will sms me a word of thankz.. I reali appreciate that since not many will.. Somehow I feel the length of msg is getting shorter and shorter.. Is it I'm too sensitive? I reali duno.. Maybe she no longer feel there is a need to be so detailed after so much things that happened..

Alys asked whether there are things that left us with regret.. At that moment I reali wanna said that I should have know Jiamin six years earlier.. Haix.. I reali mean it.. If I have know her six years earlier.. Maybe the one that's holding her hand now might be me.. Another thing which made me live with regret is that I should have cherished Jiamin more.. Care for her more.. If I have shown her more care and concern.. None of the things that happened today will have happened.. Somehow I wish I have the ability to rewrite history.. Haix.. I think my fate with Jiamin in this lifetime alreadi ends.. I juz hope that if there's next life.. Can Heaven juz let me meet Jiamin again..

Today Jiamin went to bird park to work.. She gonna woke up at 6am.. U knw.. I woke up at 5am plus.. I duno why I can wake up without alarm.. Hmmx.. Is it what they called telepathy? I read my hp and saw Jiamin's msg.. I was thinking in my bed till Jiamin sms me another qns.. Actuali she tot she woke me up.. But it's me that can't slp.. Why am I so stressed up? Haix.. Sometimes I juz feel that whatever I answered Jiamin.. She always dun seem to be happy with my reply.. Is she looking for the answer that she hope to hear?

I fell aslp again when it was 8am plus.. I had a dream.. And it involves Jiamin.. I cried.. I reali cried.. Actuali I also dun rem the details of the dream alreadi.. I only rem I cried and I woke up with tears in my eyes.. Hmmx.. Does dream reali reflect reality that much? I pondered..

My last words.. Jiamin.. I reali hope u can beam at me once again.. It reali makes me smilez.. Reali.. I swear.. Pls try ur best ok.. I will try my best also.. I promise..

I know I can't touch ur heart now..
So it doesn't matter which kind of luv if I can stay with ya..
Cuz I knw the separated ones go beyond time & space & get together..
Becuz of ya, I will keep waiting becuz of ya..
This is the tot that fills my heart now..
I will always like & luv ya..

*I feel so xing fu with her*

*MerQu|s3*^^ aka *yeKai*^^

Jiamin finali returned.. Alys asked me what time she will be reaching.. I duno also.. I told Alys that I din asked her cuz few days before she left we bickered.. Haix.. Alys den added that Jiamin and me reali like small couple loh.. I get what she mean.. I reali can't imagine if we are reali together.. Will all these things still happened.. I believe it might get even worse.. Imagine frenz alreadi like this liao.. Haix..

Juz last Fri.. Was with Amanda and Sebas.. Amanda said her mum lurves Jiajue alot.. Cuz Jiajue is the only one that can click with her mum completely.. This again implies something that I'm totally lack of.. Jiajue is eloquent and has plans in his mind for his future as well as Jiamin.. He alreadi laid out all the paths.. This is something I guess I can nvr ever achieved.. Even though I did know what I want to do.. What I want to be in the future.. But I'm not that confident I can do it.. U know sometimes I juz want a job and that's all I ask.. Maybe a job that is decent enuff to feed me and my other half.. And I know Jiamin is looking for more than that.. Sometimes I'm juz that jealous over Jiajue.. Jealous of why he is so qiang.. Haix.. I juz hope that he will reali reali treat Jiamin better and better.. Though I know he is reali treating her much much better le..

Like I mentioned earlier.. Jiamin is back alreadi.. Sometimes I juz hope she will sms me.. I mean without me starting to sms her.. Things reali aren't the same anymore.. She has changed.. She reali meant what she said.. And I think I'm not going to try to improve further on our frenzship.. It's not going to change for the better also.. I dun wan to accomodate myself again and again.. I will juz live on as what it is now.. I'm reali veri tired le.. Let's Heaven laid the path for me..

Juz today I asked her whether can ask her for movie.. She asked with who.. I was like sianz totally.. I mean reali must have Alys.. Amanda or Sebas around all the time meh? Can't we juz make it our own? Haix.. Nvm.. It doesn't matter anymore.. I will juz stop all my nonsense.. I'm no longer able to hold on to myself anymore.. I need a break.. Can someone juz save me pls!!

I know I can't touch ur heart now..
So it doesn't matter which kind of luv if I can stay with ya..
Cuz I knw the separated ones go beyond time & space & get together..
Becuz of ya, I will keep waiting becuz of ya..
This is the tot that fills my heart now..
I will always like & luv ya..

*I feel so xing fu with her*

*MerQu|s3*^^ aka *yeKai*^^

Today is the second day Jiamin left.. Five more days and she will be back.. I'm reali looking forward to her return.. Maybe I'm juz hoping she will give me the answer which I asked her in the card before she left..

Somehow I reali feel we aren't juz frenz or good frenz.. I mean I can't help to have that kind of thinking.. I know it's reali reali unethical esp when Jiajue is still ard.. But what Amanda said to me reali make sense.. To her.. Jiamin and I seem more like couples bickering.. Heee.. In fact I also feel it that way.. =)

Amanda asked me yest.. Do I still like Jiamin? I remained in silent.. Somehow I'm hesitating.. Is it becuz I feel that I'm not gd enuff for Jiamin? Or is it becuz I feel that I will nvr ever going to beat Jiajue in terms of humour in front of Jiamin? Or is it becuz Jiamin likes me is juz a moment of crush and it wun bear fruits afterall? All these dilemmas are perplexing in my mind..

Sometimes I reali asked myself whether I reali like Jiamin.. How do one reali define u like someone? I have been thinking all these while.. Does it mean when the person is not ard u will miss him or her alot? Does it mean the person has the power to make u feel sad or happy? Does it mean u wan to be there for him or her as long as u lives? I pondered..

Somehow my mood relaxs.. I'm not trying to make myself feel gd.. I'm juz trying to make myself relieved.. I juz wanna free myself from all the problems I had with Jiamin.. I wanna lived with a brand new me again.. I wan myself to beam and beam at Jiamin juz like how she beam at me previously.. She mentioned before that she wan to see me smilex.. That smiling yeKai once more.. I'm reali trying veri hard.. Trying to forget all the unhappiness btwn us.. And bring out the real me with no intention of wanting to be with her..

I know I can't touch ur heart now..
So it doesn't matter which kind of luv if I can stay with ya..
Cuz I knw the separated ones go beyond time & space & get together..
Becuz of ya, I will keep waiting becuz of ya..
This is the tot that fills my heart now..
I will always like & luv ya..

*I feel so xing fu with her*

*MerQu|s3*^^ aka *yeKai*^^

Went for a light supper with Amanda.. It was reali light.. Juz a bowl of dou hua.. Haha.. Cuz dun have seats so we juz takeaway the dou hua.. Yup so it means we will be eating in the vehicle instead.. As we eat she started to tell me stuffs abt Jiamin.. And when she told me that during one of the recent gathering Jiamin told them that she likes someone now and it's unethical to tell Amanda..

Amanda was wondering why it is unethical.. Is it becuz it's Yubiao that Jiamin likes now? Cuz Yubiao is Amanda's ex.. Hmmx.. Yubiao is handsome.. Though I din saw him before.. Den Jiamin asked Amanda and Sebas to name five names.. And Jiamin will say whether the one she likes is in that five names.. And so they named the five which includes Sebas.. Yubiao.. Two SRJ guys.. And me.. And they guessed it's me.. Hmmx.. I know that is true.. Cuz I had this feeling much earlier.. As I mentioned in my entry previously..

What reali shocked me is what happened two years ago.. Amanda told me that actuali two years ago Jiamin did like me.. So after all I'm rite all the time.. It's not my imagination.. It's not my hallucination..

Rite now I'm feeling like hitting myself real hard.. I keep disappointing Jiamin again and again.. And what happened on Sun reali hurts her alot.. Haix.. What done cannot be undone.. A heart that has been hurt can't be repaired again.. There's nothing I can do to compensate and fill up the damages being done..

I know I can't touch ur heart now..
So it doesn't matter which kind of luv if I can stay with ya..
Cuz I knw the separated ones go beyond time & space & get together..
Becuz of ya, I will keep waiting becuz of ya..
This is the tot that fills my heart now..
I will always like & luv ya..

*I feel so xing fu with her*

*MerQu|s3*^^ aka *yeKai*^^

Today Jiamin will be leaving for China with her family and relatives.. Normally I will slp till 9 or 10+ before waking up.. Somehow I automatically wake up at 6+.. Hmmx.. Maybe I reali can't bear to see her leave.. I duno what's wrong with me.. I send her a bon voyage msg.. She replied..

I reali wan to send her off.. But I tink she dun wan.. Esp after our quarrel yest nite.. Or is it probably Jiajue is going to be there too.. She juz dun wan the situation to be awkward.. Or is it I'm tinking too much again.. Whichever is the case.. I juz hope she enjoyed her trip.. Pls return to that Jiamin full of smilex again..

Goodbye Jiamin.. Take care!! Bon Voyage!!

I know I can't touch ur heart now..
So it doesn't matter which kind of luv if I can stay with ya..
Cuz I knw the separated ones go beyond time & space & get together..
Becuz of ya, I will keep waiting becuz of ya..
This is the tot that fills my heart now..
I will always like & luv ya..

*I feel so xing fu with her*

*MerQu|s3*^^ aka *yeKai*^^

Jiamin and I quarrelled.. Quarrelled over something which seem insignicant to me.. But something that she feel is veri impt to her.. I know it's my fault.. It's my fault not telling her abt the supper with Amanda and Sebas.. Cuz I was tinking if she is going to Alys' 2nd Bday celebration with Meixian and Xinxian.. She probably wun be free.. I juz wan her to spend time with them before she leave for her trip next day.. Nvr did I expect I made things even worse by not telling her.. I was reali down..

Her msn nick says.. Breaking point.. I reali dun wan to break up with her as frenz.. Do I seem naive to u all? I know I know.. It's my fault.. I should have told her.. Told her everything I plan.. Things are too late now.. I had juz pushed myself into that pit of hellfire..

This morning.. I try to ask Jiamin out for lunch.. But she said it's ok.. I called her.. She din pick up.. I know she dun wan to pick up.. She's disappointed and angry with me.. I called and called.. Still no gd.. Until my fifth attempt finali she picked up.. I tok to her for a while.. She told me she's not home.. Hmmx.. Actuali I'm not quite believe it.. But I juz let her be.. Haix..

I went to Tampines Mall to buy a card.. I choose and choose.. Until I found one that I like.. The card was to wish her bon voyage for her trip as well as saying sorri to her.. I bought her favourite colour pen.. So that what I wrote will be in pink.. I went to her place.. I sat at the playground.. Tinking of how should I wrote it.. It's starting to pour again.. I juz feel that God is trying to punish me for making the gal I care angry..

I sat downstairs of her place for hrs writing my tots.. Actuali I wanted to post it in her letterbox.. But nowadays letterbox are all locked up.. Only the postman has the keys.. So I went up to her place.. I was outside.. My heart began to thump faster.. Wat's wrong with me?? Juz leave the card and I can go.. But I juz feel so anxious.. I saw the fan in her place spinning.. But if she said she's not home den I guess it must be her mum.. I juz scared her mum saw me.. I wanna slot the card in.. But I juz can't find places to slot it in.. OMG.. Who knows when I'm trying to slot in.. The door opens.. I will faint on the spot loh.. In the end I still managed to slot it under the door.. =) Actuali I wanted to get her fav tropical mango cake too.. But I tink it will melt if stay too long outside her place.. Haix..

Not too long.. I received a msg from her.. I was tinking how cum she know got card.. Hmmx.. I was tinking maybe she's home all the time.. Juz that she dun wan to meet me only.. Or she juz came home instead.. Hmmx.. Anyway I dun wan to tink to much.. Cuz it will further made me feel disappointed again..

I juz wan to say.. Jiamin.. I'm sorri.. Sorri for being so immature.. Sorri for being so insensitive.. Sorri for disappointing u again and again.. Wo zhi dao cuo le.. Pls dun be angry le ok..

I know I can't touch ur heart now..
So it doesn't matter which kind of luv if I can stay with ya..
Cuz I knw the separated ones go beyond time & space & get together..
Becuz of ya, I will keep waiting becuz of ya..
This is the tot that fills my heart now..
I will always like & luv ya..

*I feel so xing fu with her*

*MerQu|s3*^^ aka *yeKai*^^

Today I feel like returning Jiamin all her stuffs I borrowed for making Alys' Bday cake.. Cuz I reali dun feel so gd.. I wan to return her all her stuffs and den shut myself away from her totally.. Cuz I'm still kinda pissed with her actions yest..

I picked up my phone and msg her.. She called me.. U know I'm glad that she called me.. I duno why I suddenly feel so happy.. She said after she returned from her trip den I returned her.. Actuali it's not that.. It's juz tat I'm throwing tantrums.. My intial plan of returning her the stuff somehow becum a chat.. We had a long 5hrs chat.. Now I know how much I cared abt her.. How much I wan to be with her.. How much I wan her to be ard..

I'm juz being stubborn.. Stubborn like a bull.. Maybe that's what they say.. GUY'S EGO!!! Haix.. Am I reali that egoistic? I dun tink so.. Maybe I'm juz seeking her attention.. That's what most kids will do to seek attention from their mummy and daddy..

I know I can't touch ur heart now..
So it doesn't matter which kind of luv if I can stay with ya..
Cuz I knw the separated ones go beyond time & space & get together..
Becuz of ya, I will keep waiting becuz of ya..
This is the tot that fills my heart now..
I will always like & luv ya..

*I feel so xing fu with her*

*MerQu|s3*^^ aka *yeKai*^^